Today launches the Horror Writers Association’s new site, HORROR SELFIES! And look who’s there getting into trouble!
humor
An Interview with Tim Chizmar about “Naked Alien Massacre”!
Tim Chizmar is a force to be reckoned with. His passion and zeal are infectious and unavoidable. Most creative people I know are multi-tiered, meaning they work in several different mediums. Tim’s ho exception, currently working on what promises to be a future genre cult classic film Naked Alien Massacre, and also an upcoming novel. We met at a group I Co-Chair, the Los Angeles Chapter of the Horror Writers Association. We hit it off, and I soon found myself bucking my semi-retirement from filmmaking and working on the Kickstarter videos for his movie. Of course, me being me, I became fascinated with this intriguing character. Having had many comic friends, and knowing Tim was hanging around us horror writers, I wanted to see what made him tick. Enjoy this interview, and please check out the Kickstarter for the movie. Happy Alien Hunting!
1. Can you tell us a little bit about Naked Alien Massacre?
Sure. Happy to!
Think: “Naked and Afraid” meets the original “Predator”.
Synopsis: Conservative young college student Allair Buck has a crush on her art class nude model, but when she finds out he’s more than an artist’s model–he’s actually a nudist–she’s shocked out of her comfort zone! Then he invites her to spend their first weekend together at a nudist resort…well she never expected it would cause her to come to terms with her own body image issues all the while fighting to stay alive from evil “clothes hating” Demonic Aliens that are out to skin and terrorize anyone daring to wear clothes!
Tagline: “Finally, an Original Horror Movie with Balls!”
NAKED ALIEN MASSACRE is a thrilling new horror feature film garnering the interest of domestic as well as international distributors, and is produced by DrittyBoro Studios & Derek Easley Entertainment, as well as World Media Revolution, all in association with the nudist lifestyle website ClothesFree.com The owner recently won the American Assoc for Nude Recreation “Man of the Year” award for his activism on the subject.
Directed by horror writer / real life nudist TIM CHIZMAR who also co-wrote the screenplay with comedian Kevin Lahaie. The Producing side will be Tim along with Derek Easleyand Executive Producer Judy Karman. Featuring original music from WOODSON and nudist activist / singer Ton Dao.
Many well known personalities will be providing cameos including WWE / TNA / ROH Superstars ROB VAN DAM, NIGEL McGUINNESS, KATARINA LEIGH WATERS, as well as TROMA Entertainment’s own LLOYD KAUFMAN, classic scream queens including LYNN LOWRY and the star of the original “I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE” goddess CAMILLE KEATON. If that’s not enough we also have Showtime’s starlit CHRISTINE NGUYEN, and many top young talents within the top 10,000 on IMDb’s Starmeter.
On the tech side we have Emmy winning editors, and even Special FX provided by 2-time Oscar-winning art director JERYD POJAWA. Whose credits included THE ABYSS, TERMINATOR 2, ED WOOD, etc. Post-Production to be handled by Hollywood’s own Beachwood Cottage Film & Music.
NAKED ALIEN MASSACRE is being developed as a franchise, following along the lines of this recent wave of nudist-themed and related popular programming such as GIRLS, NAKED AND AFRAID, VH1’s NAKED DATING, etc. The movie will be shot at a real life nudist resort; beautiful OLIVE DELL RANCH FAMILY NUDIST RESORT, found in sunny southern California. www.OliveDellRanch.com
Trust us there’s never been a movie like this. Ever.
This movie has been promoted recently at the American Film Market, WonderCon, LA Times Festival of Books, Long Beach Acting & Film Assoc, through various WWE events, Newport Beach Film Festival, National Cable & Telecommunications Association Conference, and much more.
2. How did the project start? Where did the idea come from?
It adjusted many times over the years from being an HBO-style drama on life at a nudist resort, to finally adding components of comedy and horror to it. I’m a very active nudist and proud supporter of the nonsexual family nudist environment, having personally seen the benefits it has on a persons confidence and growth. It’s written by comedian and horror fan KEVIN LAHAIE, as well as myself.
3. What can we expect from the movie?
Boners and Boobs.. I’m kidding. It’s a tale set at a Nudist Resort (we are actually shooting a real one that I frequent) and it features a girl coming to terms with accepting and loving her body all the while falling in love for the first time as fighting to survive from evil clothes hating aliens. Ya know…the usual Hollywood story. *wink
4. You’re a talented stand up comic, as well as a great storyteller. I often feel comics have the most difficult job: making people laugh. But so many comics also have tremendous dark sides. Do you?
Yes. Comedy grows from a DARK place, it’s true, my parents are convicted felons. My mother attempted to kill a man, and carved him up with many stabs and slices, while my dad was a bit of a drug kingpin. I grew up in a crazy (I know people say that.. but I mean it) crazy household, and it gave me issues I’d dealt with in therapy, and still do to this day. Lucky me: in stand up I approached because I’d have partnership that ended badly or fell apart, and I was attracted because on stage, it’s simply me and a mic. I liked that ownership. I’ve been a pro Headlining comedian for about seven years, and in that time, I’ve been on Comedy Central, NBC, Fox, Showtime, CMT, and more, as well as shot a bunch of pilots that never aired, so I’m going back to my love of Horror (worked with TROMA, Full Moon, etc.) by creating art for myself about a cause I believe in, and I’m hoping to scare some folks along the way.
5. In addition to directing a movie, you’ve got a novel coming out, right? Can you tell us anything about it? A teaser?
YESSSSSSSSSSSS. I’m so excited about it! It’s called SOUL TRAITOR and its about a Demon sales person in Hell selling souls as commodities. I assure you that, along with NAKED ALIEN MASSACRE, this, too, will be very original and unique. Plus it will have an intro by my buddy, WWE Wrestler Rob Van Dam, which is fun. Aside from that, my short story, “Libby” is featured in HELL COMES TO HOLLYWOOD 2, coming soon.
6. There’s a new way where people can actually act like Patrons for up and coming, and not-so up and coming, artists like yourself. Can you tell us about the NAM Kickstarter campaign? Any exclusives? What can genre fans expect?
We put a lot of work into it, so the best way to check it out is for you swing by and watch the videos on the page yourself.
Please SHARE our message and CONTRIBUTE if you can to make our movie a reality. The first ever real nudist horror film. It’s up to you!
7. Where can people connect with you?
I’m on Facebook: TIM Chizmar or Tim Chizmar, or email me at: TimChizmarProductions@Gmail.comI hate Twitter, but my co-producer DEREK EASLEY runs one at @NakedAlienMovie so drop him a line.
…………………………………….BIOGRAPHY:When TIM CHIZMAR was a child he lost himself in evil, scary books. One day, a morally righteous librarian refused to let him take out his books. Reading about demons, be-headings, and cannibalism wasn’t the norm in Linesville, Pennsylvania. When Tim brought his mother there, she insisted that her son be allowed to read WHATEVER HE WANTED. This upset the librarian, so she looked his mother in the eye and said, “Your son is going to grow up to be a great horror writer one day…OR A SERIAL KILLER.” As of this writing, Tim hasn’t killed anyone…YET…but he has written and sold many screenplays in Hollywood. When he’s not burying bodies, Tim is a writer, director, producer, and comedian living in Los Angeles. He is the Director, Producer, and co-writer of NAKED ALIEN MASSACRE. What drives Tim’s success is knowing that somewhere in Pennsylvania a librarian is praying for his soul.
13 Questions with Joan De La Haye
The Crystal Lake crew are a pretty awesome bunch. My stuff has appeared alongside Joan De La Haye’s in both HORROR 101 and TALES FROM CRYSTAL LAKE, VOLUME ONE. Here, we have a great probing interview about a few things horror, a few more creative, and a bunch about writing. Hope you dig it. I did, and South Africa seems pretty interesting from afar. http://joandelahaye.com/2014/05/24/13-questions-with-john-palisano/ 
Here’s a neat interview with the talented Joan De La Haye: http://www.crystallakepub.com/blog/tales-from-the-lake-vol-1-author-interview-joan-de-la-haye.
The Goodreads page for Tales From The Lake Volume One: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/21844506-tales-from-the-lake-vol-1?from_search=true
Tales from The Lake can already be purchased directly from Createspace: https://www.createspace.com/4784430
1. What drives you to write?
It’s an exorcism for me to write. I have terrible nightmares that give me insomnia. They’re extremely vivid. I have a very over active imagination. I’m always thinking something terrible is about to happen. Writing gets that out. Writing smooths the edges. Writing takes a lot of my head, and gets rid of them. Sometimes.
2. What attracted you to writing horror?
Every minute were alive, there’s a threat to us. I felt this pull to the Darkside at a very young age. Always been fascinated with what’s beyond. I think it ties into my spirituality, in a way. There’s a lot of fear living in this world, a lot of uncertainty. Horror helps put that in its place. Or allows you to transcend. That’s what’s always fascinated me. I’m not big on slashers or where people are captured and tortured, but rather, journeys into the unknown. Things in the shadows. Things unseeable
3. Who are your favourite horror writers?
Most of the classic big names, of course, but I’ve been really interested in a lot of contemporary horror. I love the new weird fiction crop, including Laird Barron, Jeff VanderMeer, Thomas Ligotti, and those people. I also love bizarro fiction, like Carlton Mellek and Cody Goodfellow. It’s been an embarrassment of riches for dark fiction over the past few years. There’s so much good stuff, I just wish I had more time.
4. Which horror novels do you think every horror fan should read?
I think they should read the contemporary novels that appeal to them first. Then, if they like something from Laird Barron, for example, then go out and seek Lovecraft and Poe. I think it’s important for people to be engaged, and not feel like they’re doing work. I highly recommend going to library or bookstore and going into sections you’ve never been before and exploring. There’s horror to be found everywhere. Also, there are fantastic stories and writing to be explored all sorts of genres.
5. Ebooks or paperback?
I think they’re both fantastic, actually. The new Kindle that’s backlit is my main reading device. Practically? It’s backlit, so one can read it in the dark without disturbing anybody else in the room, and I can read extremely fast. It’s quite pleasurable. On the flipside, reading on an iPad is okay, but in the middle of the night, even with the brightness turned all the way down, it feels to me like looking into a flashlight. It’s just a little bit much in comparison to a Kindle.
Paper books can be great. If the book is bound well, and put together nicely, I’m apt to read it. I love the John Steinbeck millennium additions because of the ragged edges, great design, and great feel. To be honest, I’ve never liked reading a lot of books because they were heavy and uncomfortable. And in the indie press, so much are so uncomfortable to read, format-wise, that I often stop, so it all depends.
6. What would make you pick up a novel by a new author?
A great cover’ll grab me. I’m not going to lie. I judge book by covers. We all do, even though we wish we didn’t. I have found gems that were horribly put together. I Will Rise by Michael Calvillo was one such book. The first edition I had sported a dreadful cover, and the layout left a lot to be desired. But his writing shone through.
7. Who is your favourite fictional character?
That would probably be the idealized version of myself, although I think that’s shattered when I see myself in the mirror, or see a picture of myself that someone’s posted.
8. Do you plot your stories or does it just unfold before your eyes?
I studied plot and structure so much, and so extensively, at Emerson in Boston, and AFI in Los Angeles, that I usually don’t write things out. I usually have a pretty good idea early on where things are headed, and what I usually do instead is write out a character form, like I do if I were acting and developing the person. That process usually informs me, and tells me most everything I need to know about the story to come. Knowing the characters is everything in my process.
9. Do your characters take on a life of their own and do things you didn’t plan?
They certainly do, and even in something that is plot driven, like a screenplay, it leads to some better surprises.
10. Do you listen to music when you write or do you need silence?
You may notice that I’m quite moody, and this is no exception. There are times when I’m writing a fight scene, and I’ll crank Van Halen. There will be other times when I prefer dead silence. Or sometimes I put on something like Coldplay just to get a kind of flow and rhythm.
Often when I’m writing a book or story, I’ll actually compose music to it. This helps my free-form thinking, and forms the story in ways I never predicted. I wrote an entire album of songs for my first novel because one of the characters had a famous album in the 1960s. I had to know what it sounded like, and had to write the lyrics. It was very important to the story to know all those details. I do all sorts of styles of music to make soundtracks for my books. It’s part of my writing process in a major way.
11. Do you do a lot of research for your stories?
In fact, I often do. Many people believe they’re in my books. Friends I grew up with. People I’m in relationships with. But what they don’t understand is my writing is like a collage. I grew up during the rap generation, where you take one element and then put it on top of something else, and make something completely different out of it. I’ve always loved that concept, but often felt that rap music fell short of really using it to its potential, of massaging found elements and making them new. Public Enemy was one of the only groups I felt that really brought that to an apex. But in writing, I do that with almost every story.
I’ll take elements from my life that I know are real, pieces of the conversation, descriptions, locations slightly altered, and then use that as a springboard to something completely different. So character may have one or two traits I’ll borrow from myself or friend, but I will twist it so far left and right, that by the end, it’s unrecognizable, it goes back to writing what you know. You’ve got to sprinkle enough reality to ground the reader, to make your story living, so that when the horrible things start happening, you’re right there.
12. Facebook or Twitter?
Mostly Facebook, but I’ve been dialing it back. Trying to cut down on the noise. And I’m not so wholly interested in what people had for dinner, or that they drank too much last night, or that they’re mad at going to work. It just feels extremely narcissistic, and I’m growing increasingly uncomfortable. Maybe I’m just growing older, but more likely I just crave simplicity. I have notebooks filled with stories I’d like to tackle, albums I’d like to write, and I don’t want to waste my precious time on nonsense. That being said, sometimes people have laughed at me because I watch five episodes of something stupid like Judge Judy to tune out. There’s that moodiness again.
13. What really pisses you off about writing?
The act of writing itself doesn’t piss me off. Not at all. I love it. The business of writing drives me batty. There’s so much garbage out there that gets in the way of writing time. People love to talk about writing endlessly. Everybody that can string two sentences together has a theory, a plan, or a book, or story in them. That’s all fine, and I’ve gone through that all myself, but there’s nothing as wonderful as sitting at a desk or in a coffee shop with a blank notebook and pen and finding the rhythm. Those are the precious moments that make me most happy. It’s frustrating when that time isn’t respected by others, or when people don’t think you’re actually working, and especially when everybody thinks they can do exactly what you do. That is obnoxious. It’d be like me going to a hospital, putting on gloves, and operating, because I’ve seen every single episode of ER that’s ever been on the air. We may have a good idea, but there’s intricacies, muscle memories, that come into play that are actually crucial to making an operation a success.
I blame novel in a month for this new plague. When they started that project, it got out that writing 1300 words or so a day was ideal so that you could make a goal of writing a novel in a month. That thought spread like wildfire. I see writers all the time talking about their word counts. To me, it doesn’t tell me if those are good words, bad words, and especially, the right words. Writing is rewriting. Just because you can vomit out 60,000 words in a month doesn’t mean they won’t need tending to. It’s what you do during the rewriting process that really counts. And I know most people are just writing their stories top to bottom, and then pressing upload, and they’re on the Kindle. While I don’t believe in having writing un-accessible, I think this lack of a vetting process has become a problem. And it’s also stripped a lot of the magic out of having a book out. I can’t tell you how many times I tell people I have a book, and they’re later surprised to find out that it’s actually with a traditional publisher, and I haven’t just put it out myself.
But I think the thing that makes me angriest about writing, is that there never seems to be enough time to do so. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in that sentiment.
KillerCon V
KillerCon is a special place. Christopher Rice nailed it when he told the crowd he liked it because there weren’t any awards. Ellen Datlow remarked it was one of her favorites because it was small and intimate. For me? KillerCon is a catalyst on many levels. It’s inspiring being around so many folks who’ve become close friends. On the flip side, Vegas brings out a lot of bittersweet memories.
How can I forget those who have passed? A few years ago, my life in shambles from a brutal divorce, my dear friend Michael Louis Calvillo pulled me in to a hall, sat me down, and filled me with positivity and joy. Whenever I see those weird geometric carpets, I’m taken right back to that moment. Just inside, Adam Niswander and his wife were holding an insanely crowded party. I can still taste the moonshine he offered me, and those weird meatballs. Both men were so wonderful. I’ll always miss them.
Speaking of that pesky divorce, it’s still knocking me on my butt financially. Without the kindness of PS Gifford, Roy Robbins, Christopher Boyle and Steven Booth, there’d have been no me at the convention this year. Here’s to next year, and my helping them in return. Wrath James Wright always puts on one hell of a show each year. Nods to him and the great team: Bailey Hunter, Mason Bundschuh, Matt Czarnowski, Misty Dahl, Rena Mason, Stacy Scranton-Morgan, Mercedes M. Yardley, and RJ Cavender.
We made great time getting to the convention from Los Angeles. When we were in the Mojave, traffic slowed and there was an ominous black plume of smoke ahead. When we finally passed, we saw a boat had been set on fire. It was destroyed. The car towing it? Fine. My imagination went into full swing. Had to have been some kind of contraband they torched when the cops pulled them over. Who the hell brings a boat to the Mojave?
Boat on fire!
The first person I ran into was the very talented Q. She was busy writing on the casino floor, having found a spot near a big screen TV where she simultaneously watched the game and worked.
There were groups that crawled the strip and went to the Goreatorium, but I passed on those and met up with some old friends. Found Michael Bailey and we wandered the casino floor and the shops. There was an arcade with a four person Pac Man machine. We vowed to grab people and return, but we never made it. Soon, though, we ran into other people. It didn’t take long for the first party to start, where most folks made appearances. Somehow, I was up until about 2:30am. It’s real easy to get talking to people and find time gone. I camped out on Roy’s floor, my mind racing all night long. So exciting to be around so many great creative people.
Friday
After the welcome to the Guests Of Honor (Christopher Rice, Ellen Datlow, David J. Schow and John Shirley), the ever charming Ellen Datlow had a Q & A session. I found it very inspiring to see how passionate and excited she remains for publishing. For those aspiring to get into one of her books? She gave us the secret: write something fantastic. Easy, right?
Mike McCarty reading
There were a few readings. Mercedes Yardley rocked it, but teased us with a selection from a book she didn’t have any copies to sell. Ahh! Well, it was worth the preview. “
The Dialogue panel helped tremendously. Headed by John Skipp, Tom Monteleone, Monica O’Rourke and Michael Arnzen, there were many nuggets of wisdom. “Dialogue is like real talking, only with the boring parts taken out,” “Don’t have people using the other person’s name in facing dialogue” were two examples.
Pretty sure George Lucas’s head would’ve exploded like the Death Star if he’d been there.
John Skipp’s workshop, “The Choreography of Violence” rocked. When someone asked me why I’d go, being a published author and such, I told them there’s always stuff to learn, and even if it’s nothing new to me, it’s a chance to reaffirm and remember things. I did learn some great tips. My action scenes have always been kind of fuzzy to me, so I consider it time very well spent. I love these workshops.
The Erotic Horror Short Fiction Contest
Okay. So this was strangely lightly attended, with only Christopher Boyle having something prepped. I decided to write something on the spot in five minutes. Turns out it was likely one of the worst things I’ve written since second grade. But big kudos to Bailey Hunter for improvising live, and actually coming up with a real story off the top of her head. Christopher took top prize with Bailey and Edmund Collen rounding it out.
Later on, we all went to the Samhain Press party. Again, found myself out late. Had a great conversation with Mark Ciccarone and Joe Spagnola about heavy metal. Very fun and spirited. Was lucky that Christopher Boyle let me crash on his spare bed. We had some great talks about Bizarro fiction, its merits and intricacies. Chris has been at every KillerCon, volunteering and making things run smoothly. And he’s developed into an excellent writer.
Saturday
Pitch Sessions. Found myself pitching to the wonderful Sarah Peed. We had a great conversation about the state of publishing, and she had some fantastic advice for me. Moving over to Jeff from Deadite, they have a novel system where they work backward from title, to pitch, to outline, to writing the book. I wasn’t expecting to pitch anything, but I did have an idea, which he seemed interested enough in to go to the next level. Although my title absolutely sucked, which we both laughed about, we figured that’s a relatively easy change.
Christopher Rice premiered his new book at KillerCon, which was an massive honor. He read a section about horse’s head caving in that was gruesome and poetic. He followed with a Q & A and told us it’d been his first true supernatural book, and that he planned on writing more. We were the first ones to be able to buy copies. Chris was approachable, funny, and always had time for every one. What a class act. He’s probably made a few dozen fans for life.
John Palisano and Christopher Rice
Christopher Rice
Later, Mike Arnzen treated us to some hilarious poems. My favorite were his Lovecraft inspired titles for X-rated movies.
Made it away from the casino on a road trip to Fremont Street. Mercedes drove us in her massive truck. Misty Dahl, Sarah Peed, Matt Czarnowski, Mason Bundschuh and Michael Bailey walked through what I think was called the Main Street Casino, which was gorgeous.
For me, seeing the Golden Gate Casino brought back a flood of memories. I hadn’t been since shooting the feature film, “The Devil’s Hand” – and it was so damn vivid. I heard voices. I even remembered a taste of wine my ex-wife had given me. The casino smelled the same inside. So trippy. I looked around to my new cast of friends and was so grateful for each of them. Life sure is strange, and things certainly have not turned out the way I thought. But somehow? Better.
Near the end of Fremont Street, we watched an amazing cello duo performing. Only, it wasn’t classical. They were plugged into guitar amps and were doing spot-on versions of “Enter Sandman” and “One” from Metallica. Every nuance of the guitar solos got nailed. We kept looking at each other in awe. We had to get back, and damn it, did they just start playing freaking, “Master Of Puppets”?
Mason, Merceds, Elmo
Dueling Metallica cellos
Fremont Street Noir Crew
The Gross Out Contest
This terrified me. My first gross out was in Toronto. I remember being just frozen seeing these people perform their stories. How could I ever do such a thing? I can’t!
I had an idea for a story in May and wrote it out. It took me months to look at it again. When KillerCon got close, I printed it out and hid it in my luggage. Just in case. When I pitched to Jeff, I asked if there were any more openings. I hoped he was going to say no. I tried to back out, but he wouldn’t let me. Damn it.
What if Ellen Datlow hears this thing? She’ll never talk to me. Roy will burn all the copies of my books. Sarah Peed will block me from submitting. John Shirley would use his Shadow powers and lock me away. What had I done? What if the crowd hates it? What if my humor is too weird? What if they boo me? How could I take such devastation?
Although I can’t put the title here without risking losing my WordPress, I can tell you it involved Obama in a very compromised position.
Man, it was brutal. Q was up first, and knocked it out of the park. Damn it. She was hilarious. She worked the crowd. She walked around and acted things out. Suddenly there was something pressing in the lobby, and, sorry everyone, Jp’s missing. But I stuck around.
So many other people came up. Christine Morgan. Edmund. Christopher Boyle. No one was getting booted. Oh, man. Can’t I just go up there and get this over with. Nope. I was last in line.
I took a deep breath and gave it my all. For the first 30 seconds I was terrified. Then there were a few chuckles. Okay. I can get through this. When I heard more laughter, I kept going. But, shoot, aren’t they supposed to stop me after two minutes? What’s going on? I got into it, using every ounce I had from my acting school time at Emerson.
Jeff yelled, “time” and I still had a page and a half to go. Oh, no! But the crowd cheered to go on, and I made it through.
The judges returned after what felt like 45 minutes. The final tally had come in.
Q took first! Not surprised at all. Edmund Collen took second place.
Miraculously, the tens and twenties I’d secretly given to the judges helped. My Gross Out placed third. What the heck? How’d that happen. Not quit sure, but a big surprise. Check out the prize package, expertly curated by Jeff.
Finally? Time to relax a bit. I’ll never forget looking up at some unGodly hour to see a bunch of horror authors being led by Mercedes (now dressed like she was going to a 50s prom. What the heck?) as they were all making peanut butter cups. Wild seeing Mike McCarty scooping peanut butter with tongs. But that’s KillerCon in a (pea)nut shell for you.
The final panel, “How To Kill” was awesome. Al Carlisle, who has interviewed Ted Bundy several times, filled us in on the mind of real serial killers. It was awesome watching veterans like Skipp, Schow and Shirley pick his brain.
The con came to a close, but not before a screening of Edward Lee’s “The Bighead” movie, directed by Michael Ling. Geoff Skinner, Ashley Totin, Lance, and Kate were also in attendance, who all stayed through the dead dog party.
BIGHEAD screening
Geoff Skinner and Mike Ling
Later that night, a small group of us stragglers made it to the top of the Stratoshpere. I hate heights, and was not super-psyched. The shaking from the wind made it feel like you were having a non-stop earthquake. I was brave enough to watch people making the sky jump: bungy-ing from the side. They have a plexiglass wall so you can safely watch people defy death and give themselves heart attacks. Thankfully, we retreated to some seats, shared a round, and then called it a night.
Skyjump
Skyjump
Panorama
Our group
Testing the panorama
Wicked panorma at the top
I ran into Edward Lee, Lance, and Michael Ling at the slots, where we talked about concerts and gambling and Vegas. Then, it was all over.
We were on our way back, and that weird science fiction like Sun Farm intrigued me. I picked up some flyers on the way. Places like, “Bullets and Burgers” and “The Atomic Testing Museum” are just so…unique.
And it was a race. My day was far from over. I had tickets to see a free show from Paul McCartney on Hollywood Boulevard. Me and Fawn barely made it, but made it we did (thanks, Paul!), enjoying much more than the promised 2-3 songs they’d told us. Sir Paul played for over an hour, hitting most the songs I’d wish for. “Ob-La-Di” indeed.
Until next year, adios amigos!
Here’s some more shots for y’all.
Tom Monteleone and Gene O’Neill
Edward Lee, Michael Ling and Lance T.
Eric Guignard
Mike Arnzen
Robert Essig
Rena Mason, RJ Cavender, Sarah Peed
Linda Larsen and John Mulhall
Samhain authors
Michael Rowe
RJ
Stacey Scranton shooting
Eric Guignard and Steven Booth
NEW INTERVIEW with me from GL GILES
Here’s a fun interview where we talk about creating NERVES and BiPOLAR EXPRESS as well as the NERVES prequel, my time working in Hollywood, and my creative process. Who doesn’t like talking about things they’re passionate about?
http://gialee3.wordpress.com/2013/08/03/interview-with-john-palisano/
Crescent City Colors
We brought our own darkness. We all made it to the dungeon together. It was supposed to be a goth club but when we got there, we found a lot of tourists listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd on the jukebox. This wouldn’t do. I looked around and saw my comrades at the edges of the walls quietly drinking, disappointment in their eyes. Something had to be done. The Rolling Stones’ ‘Satisfaction’ came on the jukebox. So I went into my most effervescent make Jagger impression. I danced like a rooster. I shook my arms and pointed at things that weren’t there. I lip-synched as poorly as I could. Within moments I was joined by a pretty blonde I had never met before. She went toe to toe with me, doing her own Mick Jagger. We mirrored each other’s moves. I thought my heart was gonna explode I was so drunk and tired. But it was invigorating. I could smell her breath. I could see her blue eyes. And I could see redemption. For her and for me. She needed that release is much as I had. Then the song ended and I gave her a huge hug. Anyway never see her again. And that was as it should be. These sort of things are moments in time I can’t be re-created and will get destroyed if they’re trying to be re-created again and again. So she left and we moved on.
There were actually some good 80s metal songs being played on the jukebox. Judas Priest. Ozzy. Guns n’ Roses. Nine inch Nails. We rocked to the house. We created our own multi-person karaoke. We thrashed around the dance floor. The bouncer took an immediate hate to us. But the cube bartender quite enjoyed us. I caught her mouthing the words and rocking her head when I looked over. She reminded me of a prettier Lady Gaga. She had a great Roman nose. I love great noses. I like girls with messed up noses. I think they can smell better. Which means they have better intuition when they meet people. She had a birthday a few days later and I happily pend a dollar to her chest. It’s in New Orleans tradition to do so I’m one’s birthday. It been my birthday but I didn’t feel like being paraded around like that. I wanted to drink in peace. Unless of course I was getting my rock on.
“Born to be Wild” came on and we aped riding motorcycles throughout the bar. It was all quite undignified. But we are having so much fun and burning are obligate Tori calories that who cares. To me I was hanging out with some people I’ve always wanted to hang out with more. Kelly Layman. Sèphera Girón. Mikey Hayek. Tod Clarke. John Urbancik. Soundgarden’s “Rusty Cage” came on. I took the opportunity to jump into one of the small vestibules and pretend I was a third-generation Chris Cornell. It was my determination to break us out of our rusty cages. Things were a little far when I jumped out of my cage at the end of the song and smash my head into an above chandelier. The bouncer finally had a real reason to come over and bounce. He been waiting all night to bust us. He had so much contempt for us. So it must’ve been nice for him to come over and yell and be a placenta. How if I were him I hate us too. We were brash and of noxious and taking over the entire back of the bar With our shenanigans. I quickly told him it wouldn’t happen again that it was an accident and I would become from there on out. He whispered something I’m not sure what an half away. And that’s fine. Because it was around three or four in the morning and we are already to go back home.
I crept soundlessly into my hotel room and gently lay next to my roommate on the bed. He is another writer and I hope I didn’t wake him. I did my best. I didn’t think about what my insomnia would be like living with for my other roommates. Oh well. I had to be up in a couple of hours because the convention would be going on, and I had work to do.
I made the opening ceremonies. It was wonderful to see Rocky Wood and many other people I hadn’t seen in a long time. Getting in and getting settled had been a big challenge for me. I was originally supposed to stay with a local friend, but that didn’t quite pan out. They got I had a Plan B and my roommates were also there early and Artie had a room booked. This meant more money, but life is short. Even the sleepless sleep sometimes.
This was my first convention working. I’ve been a trustee of the HW a for over a year now and I had commitments. I had to help the video crew. I had to be on a panel appreciating Clive Barker. It was a very different experience from the outside. I think I really enjoyed myself in that regard.
Was horrified I had not turned off my ‘birthday’ setting on Facebook. Somehow word got out and the crowd saying to me during the ceremonies. I tried to hide under my table but Laura Hickman stopped me. John Little and his beautiful wife Fatima were next to us too. One of the things I hate is that unless you really try it’s very difficult to spend any quality time with people. That brief 20 minutes was all I really got with John Fatima and Mara. I really felt spread thin. I barely even made it to the dealers room until it was closing. Depressing.
I shared an amazing meal with Lisa Morton Ricky Grove. I think I could talk about things with Ricky forever. We talked about acting. And not just whose a good actor and well blockbuster but Series and styles and techniques. I love those kinds of conversations. They’re so inspiring. I hate gossip but I love love love exploring creation and imagination. Somehow, the three of us ended up on the same flight out of LAX and enjoyed spending some pre-con time together. We split a cab to the hotel, thankfully, and I got to peek into the room of a Vice President and her man. Quite posh.
New Orleans brings out a lot of memories for me. As I walked down the streets I distinctly recalled visiting with my father mother and brother. Vivid memories of us walking and of our conversations slurred me. That trip had been among the last times that my family had been hole. My father suffered a car accident and that made him unable to walk very far. Hey since suffered several strokes. And I had ghostlike visions of seeing my father walking ahead of me with his bag over your shoulder like I had seen when we had all visited New Orleans. I heard his voice. For me the ghosts that everybody sees don’t have to be of people that have necessarily died. For me they are of moments that I’m missing. Not only did I hear my father’s voice but I heard my mother’s voice. A lifelong jazz fan, she was so excited to be in New Orleans. She gave us a running detail of everything we were passing. The architecture. The history of the street. The creation of the food we ordered. Her enthusiasm at finding Dickie Brennan’s. Still one of the best meals of my life. I can stillest taste it. Of course I had memories of my ex-wife as well. She joined us on the trip. Back before she was angry. Back before she turned. Back before the world had made her angry and cynical. Back when she was filled with light and happiness. Don’t let me make you think that I was in morning though. I was ready for this. And I planned on making those old memories into a kind of party. New Orleans funerals are parties, after all. That’s that’s what this would be.
I was quite anxious to discuss writing and meet people at the convention. I look forward to this all year. The biggest surprise for me was seeing Sèphera Girón come off of an elevator. Rhonda Wilson commented my eyes popped out of my head, but it wasn’t because of Sephera’s obvious assets, it was because I was not expecting her to be there. We’d grown close online over the past few years, both being cheerleaders for one another during some nasty splits. Here is my friend in the flesh. The last I had known she said she wasn’t going to make it. How exciting. Just one of many fantastic surprises. In the end going to New Orleans and shaking our asses really felt like we both put away a lot of that her and this things we’ve been through. It was one of the most cathartic trips I’ve ever had. I felt like I buried my grief and sadness once and for all.
A true highlight of the trip was seeing my friend Jennifer Raven again. We grew up together on the East Coast and she been in New Orleans for over a decade. She was a very popular tour guide. It was so strange walking up the street and just seeing her standing there. She really hasn’t changed much. How rad. It seems like we slipped right back into our friendship. We went back-and-forth both talking hundred miles an hour. The same kind of report that used to get us detentions in high school. The tour was phenomenal. We learned about history and she dispelled a lot of misconceptions. She really was fun. I was so proud of her. She stood in front of all those people and was completely at ease and extremely entertaining. I laughed out loud at one point when a couple next to me said boy can she talk. Well of course I said she’s your tour guide. We went into the St. Louis cemetery and saw Marie Lavaeu’s grave and also the weird-O Nicholas Cage’s grave. Got nothing to say about that, except good luck with Xenu. I had to get back to the convention but we made plans to meet up again.
Later that night, in the wee hours I got to hang with Hank Schwaeble. He had a guitar. We were looking for other musicians but it was just he and I. We found a place and swap the guitar back and forth and sang songs. I think we both sounded pretty great. But even greater we shared a great conversation. Hanks perspective on a few things really cut me deep and a fantastic way. It was like we had a musical therapy session. I was so happy we finally got to talk in depth about things. Him and roadie Armand my favorite people. It was so fun. And God knows if anybody heard us singing “Born to Run” at the top of our monks in the middle of the night.
Here’s another dream come true. I’ve been asked to play bass with slash pile. This band consisted of Dave Simms, F. Paul Wilson, and Heather Graham. They’d sent me a list of songs and I learned them. We met on Friday morning and drove into the heart of the city. We rode past the Superdome and toward a loading dock where there was a fully outfitted rehearsal room. We ran through a few numbers and it sounded great. The camp Dave’s is using started making the weirdest noises. It was as if Syd Barrett and Jimi Hendrix had plugged in their fax. But there were no effects. Very bizarre. I’ve always wanted to play music in New Orleans. Ever since my mother and me Sanford a preservation Hall all night listening to music as talking to musicians. And here I was Finally doing so. What a trip. A big highlight of the convention was getting to know Heather and Paul and Dave. Such damned good people. One evening we shared some drinks with Kathleen Pickering and Lincoln Chrisler, both fantastic folks I look forward to meeting again soon.
There was a short amount of time between the end of rehearsal and our show. I was scheduled to do the mass signing and brought humble amount of books with me just in case. It was a zoo. There were so many people that I wanted to meet. I found my place next to Glenn Chadbourne and had a great time getting to know him. For such a talented artist, he is extremely humble and fun. Artists fascinate me. My father is an artist, so I’m quite fond of the species. I was also shocked that I sold all my books rather quickly. I wasn’t expecting that because the last few signings I had had me carting every single book home but I brought. A nice surprise. And I met some amazing people. Especially nice to get a word with Michael Bailey, quite never seem to get enough time with. One of these days we’ll get to have our deep philosophical talk with always wanted to half.
I made my way back up to the stage area. Everyone was upset. I’d somehow slipped the time. We had a rehearsal and sound check an hour earlier. I apologize profusely but doing my heart would get through the show with no problem. There are a few songs we hadn’t been able to get to but thankfully they were the easier ones.
The room was packed. There were so many people. I pulled my hat low so they wouldn’t have to think about it. That was all fine until Jen showed up with her longtime boyfriend and his friend both Dressed exquisitely as Buccaneers.
The show went off without any major mishaps. I think Dave ended up breaking for strings. Maybe it was an apparition playing a prank on him. But for the most part everything went fine. My own turn at the Mike singing “Gloria” was funny. When I just at the mike to start singing I somehow knocked the clip off the stand. I ended up having to hold the microphone in one hand and play bass with the right. I quickly found I couldn’t do both. So I chose to really concentrate on the singing and played lightly. The bass wasn’t very prominent on the original recording so I didn’t think anybody would really notice. Nobody seem to complain or mention it so I guess I played it off pretty well. My favorite part of the set they’ll didn’t even involve me. Heather serenaded Rocky with nobody does it better. How appropriate. Rocky has been such an amazing part of bringing HWAY only to another level but to another friggin’ mountain. The guy is a powerhouse. And the fact that he is fighting ALS on top of that and traveling from Australia is remarkable. His spirit is nothing short of inspirational.
I’ll never forget meeting Rio Youers for the first time, on stage, in front of the entire convention. We’ve known each other online for ages, since his first novel came out. What a thrill cranking some Ramones with him on the lead mic. We shared a fantastic night on the town later on.
One of the Buccaneers won the costume contest. And from there we raided the streets. That is, if you count being stopped every five feet by tourists wanting pictures as raiding. Our crew made it past Bourbon Street and into the depths of the quarter. Jen brought us to several small places Where the drinks were actually affordable and the clientele wasn’t drunken frat boys. They were dark they were perfect. We stayed out late listening to tales from the Buccaneers and catching up with Jen. I got in close to 7:45am. That was really bad. I had a video interview at nine. So I put on my trusty eye pillow and shut my eyes. I didn’t sleep so much as just meditated for 45 minutes. I got up took a quick rinse and did my duty. And for the record I’m not a really heavy drinker but I am an insomniac. I had a few beers and a few drinks over the nights but I nursed him. I got into some great conversations with people. I love talking to people and picking their brains and having them pick mine. It’s the big attraction for me and going to these conventions is really going to talk to people. I get lost easily and conversations and I remember looking up at the sky and thinking there must be a fire somewhere. But I quickly realized that been the sun coming up. Sometimes I really hate the sun and wish it would just go away with its happy sunrays in heat and stuff and just take a vacation for a couple weeks so I can enjoy endless nights.
After the video interviews I had to be on the Clive Barker panel. I felt lucky to be honest on the panel. My own connection to Clive Barker is only that he’s been an influence to me. That was the angle I was going to take. Didn’t know him personally. I wasn’t old enough to see his rise firsthand. I came to his work rather late. A friend gave me the first “Books of Blood.” That’s the power of his writing. Whenever you first encounter it, the stories feel fresh and vital and new.
It was a true joy running into Doug Winter and sharing the stage with him. He was one of the teachers at the great Borderlands Boot Camp, run of course by one of my favorite people, Thomas F. Monteleone. I haven’t seen him in a while. He’s been fighting some ailments, but he looks fantastic. And I got to meet his gorgeous Wife too. We had a great panel. I even called on Ramsey Campbell to tell how he met class. Finally getting to meet Ramsey was a highlight for me. I love his work and he is splendid. Even when Brad nearly destroyed the steps going down and took a slight tumble couldn’t even mark the panel.
Next came my reading. When I got there Paul and Rhodi were finishing up. I heard them asking at crowd if they wanted to read one more thing. I encourage them to do so but they declined and apologize for taking up my time. I whispered that I had just gotten there and I was going to be fast anyway. But they still took off.
Built in my reading with a poem from my departed friend Steven Wilson. Again I told people that I didn’t want to make this a sad occasion. I wanted to celebrate his life and the mortality that reading his poetry gave him. When I read his words aloud he was alive again for those few minutes.
Then I read some very brief excerpts from some of my work. I can do so many readings and they can be very tedious. It’s very hard to sit there for 30 minutes and hear somebody talk and try and tell the complete story in that amount of time. I’ve never really liked them that much. I have trouble With the words forming in my mind with readings and audiobooks. It’s just a weird thing with me. After a few minutes my mind wanders and it’s very difficult for me to focus. I need to see the words. Often readers go way too fast for me and I have trouble making sense of things.
The last excerpt I read was the very first bit of what is going to be the NERVES prequel. I thought that was a cool way to wrap it up. But I was only the opening act. Joe McKinney followed and broke all of our hearts. He told us of how his story was written for a program to be distributed at the funeral of his good friend John would passed away. He choked up and wept openly during the reading. I don’t think any of us were unaffected. A truly powerhouse reading.
Then we had to get ready for the Stoker banquet and words. Not much to be said about that. Some friends pitched in and got me a banquet ticket but when I got to the food smells trigger my days in the hospital with Leo. I felt like I needed to be alone. Thousand pictures of what he went through flashing in my head. I went back up to my room laid down and used my trick of visualizing him older to get me through the moment. It worked.
I made my way back down to the event and found an nice bit of flooring in the back next to Shane McKenzie and his brother. Had a bad case of the giggles. Probably had to do with being nominated and the sudden fear that I might have to say something in front of 500 people. Thankfully the ceremony went quickly. And thankfully I didn’t have to come up with something to say in front of an entire audience. I was thrilled with all the other nominees and ecstatic When Lucy Snyder Monday award for her gorgeous story.
Then a bunch of us went out again we want a little crazy back at the dungeon. But we also went to another bar next-door and had some great conversations. Had a great time with Pete Giglio and Eric Miller, Ben Ethridge and Brad and Shannon. Me and Shannon found out our paths across several times in the past without us knowing it.
After another Fun night dancing and talking ended up missing a bunch of folks who went to Frenchmen Street. I was pretty bummed about this. I was making my way there and kept getting distracted and having great conversations. Before I knew it it was The sun rising again and it only made it halfway there. Ended up at the rooftop pool was Sephera talking and laughing until the wee hours. All night we watched as people through in the towels hour by hour. We were the last two standing. I think we only went to bed because we felt we were supposed to. I know I probably could’ve stayed up and not even slept.
Sunday was a great day. I got to venture out into the quarter again for the last time. I met up with Jen and had a few last laughs. She gifted me with a jar of ecstasy pickles. I’m pretty sure they’re not named because there’s a drug and, although you do feel a little bit of a buzz after you eat a couple. She makes them by hand. They’re like bread-and-butter But also spiciest well. Somehow you can taste both distinctly that one overruling the other. They’re delicious.
And with that I was off, back to the Louis Armstrong airport. Shared one more round of laughs with Ben, Irma and Rena, and it was off into the sky. Like many others, my jet hit some terrifying turbulence on the way back to Los Angeles. This was made much better by the laughter of a New Zealand surfing team behind me, who were comparing our dips and dives to waves they’ve had. “I’ve had bigger!” Okay. So I wasn’t aloud to be scared. But I was allowed to enjoy a truly spectacular, multi-story cloud formation that surrounded us as we came through. The sun was directly in front of us, and its rays painted everything gold. Me? Was on my way home from my other home: New Orleans and the ever-growing band of eccentrics I call friends. See you all next time. — Jp
My lunch with my friend, the Angry Author
Met my friend, the Angry Author, today at his favorite coffee shop. Was really hoping he’d go over the critique of my short story, but straight after he got his blueberry pastry and chicory coffee, he started in.
“Know what I hate?” he said.
“Cold coffee?” I said.
Angry said, “Worse. Facebook. Twitter. The whole shebang. And don’t think it’s just me being old and in the way. It’s these damn people posting their daily word counts.”
“That’s bad,” I said. “Aren’t we supposed to write everyday. I mean, you said…”
“Hold on,” Angry said, and grabbed a busboy. “Can you tell me how many coffee cups you’ve taken today? How many plates have been washed?”
The busboy said, “Who knows? A lot. I just keep busy. I mean, who cares so long as the work’s done, right?”
Angry smiled, which was a rarity. “See?” he said. “It’s not interesting. It doesn’t say anything. Writers are supposed to be writing. How boring to think about some guy sitting in front of his computer tapping away. Sure doesn’t make me interested in reading their work if all they’re posting about is their word count. It’s no guarantee they’re good words. Most of them will get edited later, anyway. Hopefully. Unless they go ahead and self publish their first drafts.”
“What about the ones who post parts of their works in progress?” I said.
Angry slammed his coffee. “So damn presumptuous. I’ve read them, and they’re all so pleased with themselves. A clever turn of phrase. A wonderfully descriptive passage. Stuff that gets cut out later when you edit for story and trim the purple prose. Who thinks it’s a good idea to make material from their first drafts public?”
“Not me,” I said. “I’m scared to let anyone see anything until I can polish it.”
“They’ve got you captive. Just like when you go to the bathroom and someone’s dropping a loaf. In both cases, they’re forcing their crap on you. Those sites are like being in the middle of a room of prideful balloon heads, all grinning and hard selling me on their clumsy books,” Angry said. “I can’t stand it. And their works are filled with exclamation points. Do you know what an exclamation point is?”
“Emphasis,” I said.
“Wrong,” Angry said. “Imagine you’re having a nice conversation, and when someone says something profound…”
In a flash, he whipped something out of his jacket, and I had to cover my ears because the sound was so loud. The whole shop stopped and looked.
Angry just smiled. He waved at the staff, they went about their business, and he handed me a small bullhorn. It had an exclamation point drawn on it with a Sharpie. “See?” he said. “That’s the effect they have. There’s very few times you need to use one.”
“Huh,” I said. “I get it.”
“And all these narcissists sprinkle exclamation points on every line of dialogue,” Angry said. “Who walks around shouting all the time?”
“Maybe old rock stars with hearing damage,” I said.
“That’s true,” Angry said. “So that’s my soapbox for today.” He nodded my way. “I read your story yesterday.”
“Oh?” I said.
“I had the same reaction to road kill in front of my house this morning,” he said. “I thought it had a pathetic ending, gross, and I couldn’t wait for someone else to clean it up.”
I stopped eating.
He laughed. “Just kidding,” he said. “It was quite good for someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing.”
“I…”
“Relax,” he said. “It’ll stay between us. At least you didn’t post it online.”
“Well,” I said. “At least there’s that.”
All That withers 